Things I'm learning in Uganda #6 - Community Trumps Supermom

I have a confession to make:  I have a full time househelp.  For those who may not know what that means, it means we have someone who works at the house Mon-Fri from 7:30am until 5pm and she cleans, does laundry, and helps with the cooking and shopping.  She also occasionally watches the children. 

Our wonderful househelp Maureen, whom the kids adore

My Kenyan and Ugandan friends might be wondering why I am making that confession – what is the big deal?  Househelps are the norm not the exception here in Kampala, for local women as well as expatriates.

In the US, the ideal mother in our individualistic culture is the mom who can do it all, by herself – she can take care of the children patiently and lovingly, keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, and cook nutritious meals without help from anyone.  And possibly balance that with a full time or part time career.  Needing or asking for help, except during “extreme situations” like the birth of a new baby or during a medical crisis, is often seen as a sign of weakness. Many American women (myself included!) have a hard time asking for help because we feel like we "should" be able to do it all ourselves. 

I’ve had two recent conversations with fellow Americans here in Uganda that reveal our strong bias toward the self sufficient woman, and our discomfort at having help.

One American commented how wonderful it is to have help around the house, but gave a guilty smile and commented that its not something she tells people about back home, as though it were something to feel ashamed or guilty about.  Another American mom  who I met briefly has an almost 2 year old and another baby on the way, and proudly declared that she doesn’t have a househelp (although they could easily afford one) because she can do it all herself.

In Ugandan culture, the ideal is not self sufficiency but community.  The ideal mother here would be surrounded by friends, relatives and paid help so that she can take care of her children, pursue her career, and manage her house well without becoming lonely or overly stressed.  Help is seen not as a sign of weakness, but as a blessing for both her and her children, as children benefit from being surrounded by extended family and loving significant adult relationships.  

In comparison to the American moms I mentioned above, a Kenyan friend living in Uganda is pregnant with her third child.  She is currently a stay at home mom, has a live in househelp, and hires another woman a few hours a week to help handwash the laundry.  She told us this without any hint of shame or guilt, but rather proudly and with gratitude that she is able to have support during this time of her life and take good care of herself and her family while she is expecting.

Another story illustrates this point as well - when Muigai's dad passed away, one of my coworkers suggested we travel with Maureen to Kenya for her to help out with the children during the funeral and funeral preparations.  (Nathan is in the throes of separation anxiety and there are about 4 people in this world that he will stay with without screaming his head off).  My first thought was a defensive one: "Doesn't she think I'm capable of handling my two children for a week in Kenya?  I can do this myself."  But of course, her thinking was not that I couldn't handle it myself, but that I shouldn't have to handle it myself.  She knew it would be a stressful and emotional time for our family and knew that having a helping hand would be a blessing.  Ultimately, I did end up swallowing my pride and traveling with Maureen, and I was so incredibly grateful she was there.  The actual journey was not stressful (Muigai had left for Kenya immediately so I would have had to travel with both kids by myself), I was able to attend the committee meetings to plan the funeral without distractions, and I was able to be fully present at the funeral without chasing after the children.   

I feel like this post is a little over simplified, since there are many other factors besides cultural values that come into play.  Help is more necessary here since housework takes more time - dishes are done by hand, many families do laundry by hand (although washing machines are becoming slightly more common in middle and upper middle class families), clothes are line dried and everything needs to be ironed (because of insects that can get onto drying laundry and burrow into skin), the dry, dusty weather and lack of air conditioners means that doors and windows are always open, so dusting must be done almost daily, and everything is cooked from scratch (convenience foods are rare and very expensive).

And of course, there are many American women who do have good support systems and accept help without feeling guilty about it.  When we lived in the US, my mother was an incredible blessing and would often drive four hours in a day just to help out with the kids.  While she was visiting, she would often do some cleaning and bring food as well.  She stayed with us when Muigai left for Uganda a month ahead of us, and I always felt very grateful, not guilty, for the support that she gave us. 

Despite the oversimplifications, my main point in this post is to examine the core cultural ideals of self sufficiency vs community.  Of all the things I am learning here, this is one that I most want to “bring back" when we return to the US.  I hope to look for creative ways to support and be supported by other women, and to view asking for and receiving help not as a sign of weakness, but as an invitation to community.

An inspiring doctor and orange sweet potatoes

Dr. Edith began working in Mengo Hospital's HIV /AIDS clinic as a young doctor during the 90s when AIDS was still highly stigmatized.  At that time, the clinic had very few resources for HIV patients, no drugs available to treat them, and had a hard time recruiting doctors and nurses to work with them.  Although Dr. Edith never though she would work with HIV clients long term, she eventually developed a strong sense of compassion for her clients and a determination to help improve their lives.  She eventually began working in another hospital, but when Mengo was looking for a director of the HIV/AIDs program she took a significant pay cut to return to the clinic where she had started out.

Dr. Edith has worked tirelessly to improve the clinic and the lives of the patients, with tremendous success.  She is extremely knowledgeable and well respected, and recently presented a paper on HIV and TB at an international HIV/AIDS conference in Washington DC.

Dr. Edith is in touch with the challenges of her patients, and is always trying to think of ways to empower them and improve their lives.  One of the biggest challenges for many people living with HIV/AIDS in Kampala is getting adequate nutrition to help them remain strong and healthy.   For pregnant and breastfeeding mothers, getting proper nutrition is essential for them to produce enough milk to exclusively breastfeed their babies for the first 6 months, the current WHO recommendation for HIV positive mothers. 

In an effort to address this problem, Dr Edith has put together a proposal for a nutrition project targeting 300 of Mengo’s patients who are underweight and malnourished.   Mengo Hospital is a long time partner of MCC Uganda, and we’ve been working closely with Dr. Edith as she has developed this project.  We are excited that we were recently able to approve it for funding, and it will begin in the next few weeks.

The main focus of the project is to train the beneficiaries how to grow orange sweet potatoes, and to provide them with vines so that they can plant and harvest the sweet potatoes.  The anticipated outcomes are:

-          Because orange sweet potatoes are a great source of vitamin A and other vitamins, consumption of the sweet potatoes by the beneficiaries will improve their nutrition

-          Beneficiaries will be given enough vines to have a significant surplus of the potatoes which they can sell to earn an income.   With additional income, the beneficiaries should be able to purchase a wider variety of food for themselves which will improve their nutrition

-          They will also be trained on how orange sweet potatoes can be dried and ground into flour.  This flour can then be used to make things like doughnuts, chapattis, and maandazis.  With this knowledge, the beneficiaries can begin small businesses selling these items which can earn them extra income. 

For the first four months of the project, while the beneficiaries are planting the potatoes and waiting for the harvest, Mengo will provide them with supplementary food baskets.

I have been very inspired by Dr. Edith’s knowledge, hard work, and her compassion for those affected by HIV/AIDS, and I am looking forward to seeing how this project will turn out.    

Things I'm learning in Uganda #5 - I have some "strange" parenting practices

Although I lived in East Africa for several years before having children, living in Uganda as a mother has opened my eyes to cultural differences that I hadn’t noticed before, and is making me realize that some of ways I parent my children is very strange in the eyes of my Ugandan friends and colleagues.  I find these differences very interesting because many of these are things that are so "normal" in the US that I was surprised by the reactions I received.  Some of my "strange" parenting practices are:

My kids are often barefoot and in shorts

 I do not dress my children in enough clothing. 
Average temperatures in Kampala are pretty much in the 80s year round – slightly hotter in Jan and Feb and slightly cooler during the rainy months.  Therefore, I often have Nathan in just a onesie, or a shirt and shorts.  Natalie is almost always in a dress, skirt, or shorts.  Both of my kids love being barefoot (Natalie will remove her shoes almost immediately whenever we arrive anywhere).

As a result, I often have concerned people ask me, “Aren’t your children cold?  Where are their sweaters and socks?”

 In Uganda, it’s very important to make sure young children do not get cold.  It’s not uncommon to see young babies wearing snow hats and wrapped in fleece blankets even when it’s 80 degrees outside.  Young children often wear sweaters or heavy jackets, especially when it dips down into the 70s.  It doesn’t help that Natalie NEVER gets cold.  I don’t know where she got those genes because Muigai and I both get cold easily.  If I try to put a sweater on her, she will take it off within 2 minutes, complaining of being hot.  Ever since she was a baby she has never slept with blankets on.  Even if she’s in a deep sleep, she will somehow find a way to kick them off no matter how many times I put them back on her!

As you can see, Natalie is the only child without a sweater or jacket.  I did convince her to at least wear leggings so her teachers wouldn't think I'm a completely neglectful mother :)

Nathan comes with me to the office, and I always get him to sleep for his nap in his carrier in my office and then he sleeps on a mattress in another room.  Even though he is often sweaty from the carrier when I put him down on the mattress, inevitably one of my colleagues will cover him with a sheet or a blanket almost immediately so that he doesn’t get cold.

Nathan didn't seem to mind the cold water

  
 I brought Nathan swimming when he was only 9 months old.  This one goes along with the first one about avoiding cold - it’s unusual to see young babies in swimming pools because of the cold water.  My parents had sent me a baby inner tube for Nathan, and we were excited to try it out and let Nathan go swimming for the first time.  Although the water was a bit chilly we put him in the pool, and let him stay in happily for almost 30 minutes. We did get several incredulous looks and comments from other swimmers at the pool.

 I give my children water, cold milk, and other cold food/drinks straight from the fridge.   Along with being concerned about children getting cold, it is also very uncommon for people here to give babies or young children cold beverages.  Many children drink warm milk or tea, and if they have juice or soda it will be warmed to at least room temperature.  Natalie loves drinking cold milk and juice right from the fridge, and also ice, something that is very rare in Kampala.  Nathan’s sippy cup is always filled with water, and his babysitter in the office will often add some boiling water to the water I bring just to make it a little warmer for him.

  My one year old son wears diapers all the time.

Apparently, there is a belief among some Ugandans that young boys should not be confined in diapers all day.  I first realized that keeping my boy in diapers all the time is a bit strange when we were getting ready to head back to Kampala from visiting Stella Matutina.  Sister Sophie saw me changing Nathan’s diaper and suggested I leave him “open” for the car ride home.  4 hours in a carseat with a diaperless baby did not seem like a good idea to me, especially for a boy who has the potential to spread his urine far and wide.  When I mentioned that I was concerned he would make a mess, Sister asked me incredulously if I even kept him in a diaper at night when he slept.  After talking to other mamas, I learned that some women keep their boy babies diaperless at night when they sleep. 

   I still don’t fully understand the rationale, but I think part of it is a concern that keeping boys in diapers all the time might lead to infertility.  In a culture where having children is extremely important, anything that has the potential to lead to infertility is avoided as much as possible.  A colleague told us that in her culture, a mother is not allowed to touch her baby boy below his waist for the first three days of his life, or it is believed he will become infertile.  My colleagues have also said that boys are much more “fragile” than girls, and the salt in the urine can irritate them so it’s better to leave them open.

Instead of keeping boys in diapers, many mamas teach their boys how to use a potty from a very young age.  Nathan’s babysitter said her son was using a baby potty by 8 months, and another colleague with 3 boys said they were all using the baby potty by one year.  So I bought a baby potty that we keep in the office, and I’m asking them to teach me how they do it!  I will let you know if we are successful.  
 

Saying goodbye...

As many of you know, we were in Kenya all of last week for the funeral for Muigai’s father, Gilbert Ndoka Kuria, who passed away on Wed., March 27^th.   He had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease in Dec 2007, and had been sick for the past several years.  We are so grateful that we were able to spend time with him this past December, and that he had a chance to meet Nathan (Ndoka), who was named after him. 

Muigai’s dad Gilbert was a loving and devoted father and husband.  He worked for over 27 years in the police force and also had some small businesses on the side.  He was a very committed Christian and he participated in many different outreaches and fellowship groups, including a police fellowship which he founded at his workplace.  This police fellowship has now spread to many different police stations in the country.

During the funeral, Muigai gave a tribute where he commented on his father’s love for people and his strong faith.  Muigai recalled his father welcoming many visitors into their house when they were growing up, and the family would even sometimes give up their beds to accommodate visitors.  Muigai also recalled waking up early when he was in high school (often between 4 and 5am!) and hearing his father praying every single morning as Muigai got ready for school. 

Natalie feeding Muigai's dad cake during a celebration when we visited Kenya in 2010

We are so grateful for our friends and family that came together during this time to support us and Muigai’s family – for those who helped with the planning of the funeral, those who showed up to the committee meetings and the funeral, those who gave financially to help with funeral costs, and those who sent messages of condolence – thank you so much. 

Muigai's mother Gladys and father Gilbert

Please continue to keep Muigai and his family in your prayers as they adjust to life without their father – he was much loved and will be greatly missed.